Thursday, September 22, 2011

Always Grow, Grow All Ways

 I've got today off, and then work tomorrow, and then have Saturday and Sunday both off, while Rob works every one of my days off  (Can I get a boo!), so I'm going to try to play a little bit of catchup for you guys!

The pregnancy is going really well. Baby is as healthy as we could ever ask for (and squirms, kicks and pokes often, just in case we ever wonder!) and growing like a weed. I started out this pregnancy a bit heavier, and much, much less toned than I wanted, so I did have a goal to stick within the low end of the weight gain limits- somewhere around 25-30lbs. Heh. Not gonna happen. I'm at 30 weeks, and up about 25-27lbs right now-- so if you budget the average 1-2 per week for the next 8 weeks... well you get higher than 25! lol  I've been very lucky that so far almost all of it is belly, with the boobs, my butt, and upper thighs taking just a small portion. My face actually got thinner in the first little bit (I was decently sick, combined with working overnights, let's just say it wasn't pleasant!)  

Anyways, that in mind, the belly rapidly expanded from about weeks 10-25, and although it's slowed down now, it's pretty darn big! At my 25 week appointment I was measuring a week ahead, but it went back down to measuring 'right on track' (and baby was measuring perfect for my date at the ultrasound) so it's all good. I get comments DAILY from guests and random people at work insinuating that I'm 'ready to pop' any minute now... and seeing as these started when I still had FOUR MONTHS left... it's gotten old, really, really, quickly. My belly is gorgeously round and out there-- but really only because I'm a slim person. I'm not measuring ahead or anything-- so how on earth people seem to think a full term infant, as well as you know, all my internal organs, could fit inside this belly, is just beyond me! 

Other than that... like I said, it's been a good pregnancy. I was sick in the beginning, but luckily never enough to actually throw up (those of you who've been around a while, know that I have to be practically deathbed ill for my body to let itself throw up, otherwise I'll hold it back). The tiredness comes and goes, but it's not as bad as when my chronic fatigue was hitting me full force, so it's nothing I can't handle. My biggest concern now is the insane amount of (perfectly normal and unfixable) hip and pubic pain I'm having. I started getting a lot of hip pain, along with calf and ankle swelling after standing at work. I started seeing my chiro again to my my hips back in place, and it worked wonders actually-- but then it becomes a matter of choice-- see when my hips are out, they cause enough tension that my pubic symphysis is stabilized. But once my hips are back in place and everything is working as it should- the relaxin that has been coursing through my body and relaxing well... everything-- it also allows my pubic symphysis to relax again- causing the most intense yet short lived bursts of mind numbing pain you can imagine. You'll be walking along fine as anything, and then feel like someone has shot you, right in the pelvic bone, and you want to drop to the floor. It's actually caused me to cry out loud in pain at work a couple times, which as you can imagine-- is a tad embarassing. 

So yes... that's been fun. Choosing between all day long hip soreness, tension and awkwardness, or random bouts of sharp shooting pains. But-- in light of everything else being fine-- I'll take it. There could be way worse things I could be dealing with, you know?

Speaking of, it's funny, Rob was saying the other day that I'm so uncomfortable and in pain and unhappy all the time, that he can't imagine how I would want to do this again. And it's weird, because yes, if I'm being honest and vulnerable- I pretty much hurt all day long when I'm awake. It sucks. And I am uncomfortable- baby is sitting really low, so the only thing that feels good as bottoms right now, is super low rise/loose sweats. Let's just say it makes getting dressed every morning very depressing. All the wonderful maternity pants I have? Practically useless. It's just too much pressure on the growing belly. 

But, despite the physical discomfort-- I am so happy it's amazing. We've gone through a lot, a LOT of crap the last few months, and my body hurts, and is being taken over, and I'm under a lot of stress-- but I am genuinely, giddily happy. Seriously, I'll be on the bus, at 6am, yawning my way to work, and baby will kick, or stretch as it's waking up, and it brings a huge grin to my face. I am so content with my life right now. Things with Rob and I are really good. I'm feeling very settled, and very at home in my body. I'm heavier than I ever wanted to be, and I have no control over pretty much anything that it does right now-- but it feels so much more mine, so much more -right- than it ever has. It's a very amazing feeling. Exhilarating. 

Ok so what else... the bad. We're birthing at the hospital. 

Anyone need a hand up from falling off their chairs? I did. I called all four midwife offices in the city before I even told Rob that we were expecting. And I still could not find a midwife willing to take me on-- the demand in this city is just too high for them to take anywhere near the amount of women who want midwives... so they get to be very picky and choosy over who they accept, and I didn't make it. This was a mind altering realization when the last call came in saying the office could not take me. For years, I've known that I would never choose a hospital birth. It's just not in the cards for me. Nothing in my body wants it at all. 

And so I mourned. Hard. And if I stop to think about it now, I'm still angry. I'm angry that I don't have a choice. I'm angry that I will probably have to fight for things that should be my basic rights. I'm just... angry. But my only other option is to have an unassisted birth at home, and Rob isn't comfortable with that. And being as I would be leaning on him a lot for support, and for comfort in the medical side of things- if he's not ok with it, then I can't force him. Now, that doesn't mean I don't hope like hell that we'll somehow have an oops-labor went to fast-homebirth... but the plan for now, is to have a hospital birth. 

I've found an OB who is such a pushover that we make fun of her when we leave the office. I've picked a doula primarily based on her amazing photography skills and passion for birth, but also for her kick ass mama bear attitude-- and I know she'll protect me in the hospital. And I have a wonderful husband who has been great about sitting down and talking about my choices with me. I will make the best of this situation. We are planning to labor at home until the last possible moment, and then transfer to the hospital for the actual birth. And if everything goes well, I want to be home within 12-24 hours after the birth. I have no plans on sitting around there for no reason- not when my husband is perfectly capable of taking a temp and blood pressure, and we can monitor any bleeding. So, it will be a slight detour, but I'm trying to retain as much of my homebirth-like experience as I can. 

This has been a very baby-based entry, so I'll leave it like that, and maybe update on the rest of life (what is that?) after I've had a chance to do some cleaning up around the house.